Life Imitating Art

I do not know much in the world. I’ll admit it first hand. I’m young and have had very few ‘real’ experiences, aside from moving to another country at the age of 18. Everyone always says, write what you know. But what do I know? Not much.I know what it feels like to feel like you don’t belong somewhere, and to feel like an outsider. I know what it feels like to pick up my entire life and give everything up on the unknown. I know what it feels like to be scared to death in a ‘I’m going to vomit if I let myself think’ kind of way and keep moving anyway because there’s nothing else you can do.

Other than that I’ve got nothing. Except one thing: I know about love. I know what it feels like to love a friend so much that you would do anything, give anything to protect them. I know what it feels like to love your partner so much you feel like your heart swells a little bit to think of it. Love that makes you know that no matter what happens, you’re always going to be there for that person. No matter how bad things get.

And I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Bryn, the main character in my attempt at a novel, and thinking about how she represents that in me. Without meaning to, I’ve written these characteristics into her. The feeling of being an outsider, and the feeling of loving another person so much that you would literally risk death to be there with them, even if it gets you nowhere.

Then I started thinking about the way I have to listen to music to write, and how it has to, has to, has to represent the emotions in the scene for it to be effective for me. And I find myself coming back, over and over, to Florence and the Machine. Particularly, Cosmic Love. Now, I know this was written about a standard boy and girl sort of affair, but I find it particularly fitting for Bryn and her best friend, Nadi, and the difficulties they find themselves facing.

Strange? Yes. Interesting to think about? For me, yes.

And goodness knows, I do love thinking! 😉

Anyway, it is a lovely song. Click below to listen!


A wee bit of a rant…

So I found myself the unexpected recipient of a 2 week paid holiday. Silly me, I completely forgot about paid holidays and was told by my bosses that it had to be taken before the end of March. I’ve got another week and a half to take sometime during March (if, if, if). See, the big if is related to whether or not I stay at my current job, a thought which has been a bit of a nag during this time off work.

I’m not generally an unhappy person, to be honest. I am often pessimistic but I like to define it further as being happily pessimistic. It is often much easier for me to set my expectations low and have them surpassed than dare to believe in something magnificent happening only to have my soul crushed. This is because I’ve still not developed thick ‘writer’s skin’. So even though I am cheerful about my future as a whole despite knowing that I may never achieve greatness or even any considerable financial success (these are not very important to me on the whole, though I understand our culture rates them above other things, because for now I just want to be happy), I find myself more and more downtrodden at my current job.

It is because within that position I am a waitress/ Manager on Duty, and to be perfectly frank, waitressing is one of the few jobs in which the people you deal with daily don’t particularly care about revealing the qualities they might otherwise hide from the rest of the human race (snobbishness, rudeness, the tendency to believe that other humans are the scum under your shoe, etc, etc). It’s true that while being a waitress I have seen customers be genuinely more caring than people would generally show as well. But there are a lot more jerks out there than nice guys. True examples:

  • “Ah, you’ve done a masters? I didn’t know that waitresses needed such qualifications!”- said with a snicker and glace over to the other suit-types sitting around the table.
  • During a trial of an inane beeper system where the customers can press a button to get their waitresses attention: “Yeah, so, like, you’re kind of our dog.”
  • “Well, your parents must be very disappointed that you’ve come all this way, completed not just an undergraduate degree but also a masters and can only find work in hospitality. Did you fail?”

My grandmother raised me to believe that one can say anything if it is said with a smile. These people and countless others like them are proof that, in fact, this is not always true.

Anyway, the point is, I’ve been MIA because I’ve been looking for work that won’t make me feel a piece of my soul blacken up and fall off every time I walk in the doors. Sorry for that.


I’m not sure what it is about the girl, but for some reason entirely unknown (but often speculated upon) to me, Regina Spektor’s songs creep into my head and become a kind of breeding ground for new stories. Now, she may not be everyone’s kind of singer but there is something about her that is just magic.

I kid you not, the idea for my Masters’ dissertation was bred upon one of her songs called Machine. It made me think about the relationship between people and technology, the ways in which technology has changed relationships between people and what it means to an identity that we have access to all these technologically enabled media in which we are whatever we want to be- what this means for truthfulness and honesty as well as how our perceptions of our online personas relate to our physical personalities. Anyways, long story short, she hits me hard right in the thinker.

At the moment, my obsession is ‘Just like the Movies’ (just as a warning, it is not loved by everyone), which has crawled into my head and made a home, as well as calling up a woman’s voice who wants her story put down on paper but is being surprisingly uncommunicative. She continues to pop up at the most inopportune moments and then disappear whenever she likes. Pff. Annoying and intriguing at the same time. Her reluctance to tell me the entire story only makes me wonder about her all the more. I sense a very twisted ending…

The Parasite of Writing

Now this is going to sound strange, and I’m very, very aware of it, but let me get it off my chest. I sometimes feel that comparing writing to a child is a little too kind of an analogy. All published writers, those making money from it, always say how its a little piece of their soul bounding into life and shooting off into a million different directions. And it is. They’re right. But what about all the unpublished writers?

I sometimes feel like the writing is more a parasite, as if its something that has infiltrated my body, my mind and my soul and is consuming more of me every day. Sure, some days I wake up with a blank mind that’s like, “Hey, chill out! You’ve earned it!” But most days I wake up with all these stories in my head, all these characters talking, and they all want out. Given that I have not (as of yet) earned any money from writing, it proves itself rather unwelcome at certain points in my life. For example:

It’s the final year of the undergraduate degree. Working 2.5 days a week. Being a trainee-teacher for an EFL class 1 night a week. Attending class 3 days a week. Working in an after-hours school 2 days a week. Creating lesson plans anytime I can. Sleeping whenever I can. And bam: dissertation. Dissertation slips in, has to slip in, has to fit in somewhere. There isn’t any time. There isn’t any time! But wait one more second, there’s Bryn. There’s Bryn, the main character of my recently edited mss, standing there, smiling, and waiting for me to tell her story. Where does everything fit? Where does it all fit?!


Well, luckily for me, I figured it out. I even got to sleep a few hours every night! But that is just one example of a period in which the ‘writing parasite’ struck at a most inappropriate time. Most inappropriate indeed!

I feel, sometimes, that I could be a lot more successful if the parasite would go away. Like, have a real job instead of working at a restaurant (again, ugh!). I feel, sometimes, like I’d be a lot more connected to reality if the parasite would go away.

But then I realize, life would be a lot more boring as well.

Then I realize, though the parasite’s timing sucks, I’m glad I’ve got it. That bug, under my skin, makes me see things that aren’t there and let’s me live in places that aren’t there. In fact, though it’s timing could be better, I wouldn’t give the damned thing up.

Not even when I haven’t slept more than 4 hours a night for weeks on end.

Foolish, foolish girl.